Remus Remembers
by Yume no Kokoro
Summary: Memories are all that Remus has left... SBRL slash. Oneshot.


**Title: **Remus Remembers

**Author:** Yume no Kokoro

**Rating: **PG-13 or T

**Warnings:** Slash, some language.

Hello! This is my first story in the Harry Potter category, so I do hope you all enjoy. I apologize in advance for any typos — I do my best to proofread, but there're always one or two mistakes that escape me. Another warning, this story contains **slash** and, in a sense, a little bit of **anti-Remus/Tonks**, but no character-bashing or anything, so don't worry. In any case, Remus/Tonks fans beware.

Read on!

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**Remus Remembers**

Remus barely remembers when he was bitten. He can only vaguely recollect the series of events before it happened. He remembers playing in the woods outside his home when he was very small. Remus remembers the fear that gripped him when he met savage yellow eyes, and pain that shot up his body when Greyback sunk his teeth into the pale flesh of his shoulder, his mother's screams and his father's curses. He remembers his first transformation, the pain he felt as his bones rearranged themselves, the moment he lost conscious thought.

Remus remembers the joy he felt, years later, at being accepted into Hogwarts, the gratitude towards one Albus Dumbledore: the man who gave him a chance. He remembers when he first met Sirius Black, when he first fell in love with Sirius, and when Sirius loved him right back.

Remus remembers the first time Sirius kissed him. He felt on top of the world. Remus remembers the first time they slept together, their bodies hot, sweaty, and entwined. Sirius had gently traced over his pink, fleshy scars with his index finger.

Remus remembers when James and Lily were betrayed and Peter murdered by, as he thought at the time, the man he loved. He remembers when Albus told him what happened, that Sirius was captured, Sirius killed them, Sirius was going to Azkaban forever.

Remus remembers how he lost control in his grief. How he sobbed uncontrollably when it happened, how he drank himself into oblivion. How he burned his pictures of Sirius, how he cursed the name of the man he loved, how he cried until he thought he would die. He remembers the one-night stands and waking up next to a person whose name he couldn't recall.

Remus remembers how he wandered from job to job, losing one after another to his lycanthropy, suffering alone in a life of poverty day after day after day. He remembers the disgusted looks, the slamming doors.

Remus remembers when he first heard Sirius had escaped. Fear had taken hold of him, guilt as well. He remembers when Albus asked him to teach at Hogwarts. He refused twice before he finally agreed.

Remus remembers when he was reunited with Sirius in the Shrieking Shack, the place that held so many painful memories for him. He remembers the strong embrace, the firm touch, Harry and his friends petrified behind them.

Remus remembers the awkwardness between him and Sirius in those first few weeks in which Sirius had come to stay with him. He remembers the uncomfortable silence, the short glances, the broken conversation. He remembers how lost Sirius looked, how broken.

Remus remembers kissing Sirius for the first time in almost 13 years, old passion resurfacing. He remembers when they moved to 12 Grimmauld Place with the Order. He remembers the kisses they snuck when no one was looking, how they fucked and fucked at night while silencing charms covered the door. Remus remembers how the Weasley twins almost caught them in the act.

Remus remembers when Sirius died.

Remus remembers how he was unable to shed any tears — he had cried enough for a lifetime 14 years before. Remus remembers how he held Harry back, battling his own urge to dive through the veil after the man he loved, and still loves. Remus remembers going back to 12 Grimmauld Place and screaming and screaming until his throat was raw. He remembers shattering vases, glass, anything that was there to be shattered, before falling into the pieces and not caring that the sharp edges dug into his knees. He remembers how the cries of the portraits in the house rose with his screams, Mrs. Black shrieking shrilly with them. He remembers how dry sobs shook his thin body, how he stumbled brokenly into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of firewhiskey from a low cupboard, because he knew Sirius kept a secret stash there against Molly's wishes. Remus remembers how he staggered drunkenly, screaming, about the house until Albus and Severus appeared on the doorstep. Remus vaguely remembers Severus catching him when he collapsed.

Remus remembers when Albus died. He remembered the broken thoughts swirling in his brain: _Dumbledore's dead and Bill's been bitten but Fleur doesn't care and oh Merlin, Dumbledore's dead and Tonks is in love with me but I'm not ready and Dumbledore's dead._ Remus remembers how numb he felt as he sat in the room Poppy had given him, how he buried his face in his hands and let out the low, shuddering breath. He remembers the man that gave him a chance. He remembers how he turned Tonks down, telling her he wasn't ready to move on, telling her about him and Sirius and everything that's happened to him. He remembers telling her that he just wants to be friends. Remus remembers how badly he needed a friend.

And now, Remus is the last of the Marauders. He sits silently at his kitchen table, a cup of tea in hand, a photo album at his side. He stares at the pictures of happier times, the images waving back at him enthusiastically. Remus smiles sadly, for remembering is all that he has left.

**Finis**

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